The Philogynist's Secret: A Double Life
For the love and respect of women.
Early in their emergence, the Philogynist begins to become aware of their unintegrated life. They get the niggling sense that they are living a double life or a secret life. A life they no longer wish to live. Like a secret agent who wants to quit due to prolonged engagement in morally questionable acts of sexpionage that violate their beliefs. This awareness when coupled with a desire to “break the cycle” can put them on the path to freedom.
And yet, they are seemingly unable to reconcile the split in their desires. Between endearing love and burning lust. Between the “socially acceptable” parts of themselves that they present to the world at large and the parts deemed socially “deviant” that they hold in private.
Fear and confusion
There may be many reasons for this sense of irreconcilability. Two of the most significant reasons are fear and confusion. We can see this at play, through the lens of the Madonna-Whore complex (aka the Madonna-Mistress Complex)1, which in heterosexual relationships is typically a man’s problem that’s projected onto women. He lives publically for the Madonna and privately for the Mistress. As Freud describes the complex: “Where such men love, they have no desire, and where they desire, they cannot love.” A fierce lust for life keeps them hiding in their physical and psychological shadows. It’s an intense adoration for women that keeps them closeted; stuck in a love/lust dichotomy, and heterodoxy shamed. Unfortunately, this compartmentalization of the public and private personas takes a psychological toll.
“Where such men love, they have no desire, and where they desire, they cannot love.” - Sigmund Freud describing the Madonna Whore Complex
An emerging Philogynist must seek authenticity and embody the love, admiration, and active respect they feel for women, both publically and privately so that they become seamlessly synonymous.
Similarities and opposites
States of mind that are opposite and similar to the Philogynist are the misogynist and the philanderer.
The philanderer may believe their love and adoration for women is pure and yet implicitly operate in coercive, draining, and less-than-consensual ways often having trouble with manipulation and lying to women while dating and relating. Conversely, the misogynist explicitly hates and berates women eg for their intellect and outspoken views, while often sexually and romantically objectifying them. They both have huge blind spots and internalized infallibility.
This dichotomic milieu of women, the Madonnas, and the Mistresses, in the unintegrated Philogynist’s life (or their imagination), are likely being objectified, gaslighted2, and trapped by the Philogynist’s insufferable yet enticing captivity, as he sends mixed signals in his interactions with women.
"Men watching porn and constantly seeing women in a sexual position is what makes them project sexuality into every single relationship"
- Hitomi Mochizuki
Hitomi Mochizuki3 put it best in a recent vlog on sexual reclamation, "Men watching porn and constantly seeing women in a sexual position is what makes them project sexuality into every single relationship."
To grow one must challenge these sexual scripts around gender, sex, and the Madonna-Mistress complex and move out of the shadow4 of philandering and misogyny, integrate those parts of themselves, eg including the man whore, to emerge as a Philogynist.
This double life is an act of escape or a retreat from the difficulties of facing, integrating, and emerging as a Philogynist. However, this may raise questions such as: how can one be a Philogynist when it feels like an offense to the world to wear his love for women on his sleeve? How can he act on his deviant desires? How can the horny beast emerge from the shadows as a man who can direct his desires?
The integration of love and lust
It’s not a crime to love women and sex is a biological need. The Philogynist is not seeking to remove or even subdue all sexual and romantic desires and become apathetic. The Philogynist’s love for women is a love that does not seek to dominate women. It’s free of dom/sub5 dynamism—a power dynamic that seems to be uncontracted in many cis het relationships. But what of sexual energy, where does that fit in the philogynist ways of life? How does the Philogynist embody their sexual desires? Is there a place for desire? There is. However, the Philogynist does not act on all of these feelings directly, instead, the feelings are guided with confidence, care, and consideration in a manner that’s helpful and not harmful (as explored in a previous post “reverse gratification”).
The Philogynist begins with lust and acts with love. In other words, the Philogynist feels admiration and acts with respect. The Philogynist transmutes lust into luve (a portmanteau of the prefix “lu-” from “lust” and suffix “-ve” from “love”), moving from a craving for connection to the depths of real intimacy, and emerges from the shadow.
“The Philogynist begins with lust and acts with love. In other words, the Philogynist feels admiration and acts with respect”
The public and private life of the Philogynist must be integrated. There must be no separation, the shadow of the Philogynist’s unconscious must be brought to the light of their consciousness. For a light must be cast on the shadow to diminish the shadow. The misogynist and philanderer find their strength and are maintained in the shadows. To become a Philognist the misogynist and philandere must die. You could say the misogynist and the philanderer are trauma personas. In the process of dying, these parts of ourselves need grieving. To grieve, let go, and resign from their double life.
“A psychological complex often perpetuated by heterosexual, cisgender males which place women into two categories the ‘Madonna,’ defined as a woman who is pure, virtuous, and nurturing, or a ‘[Whore/Mistress],’ a woman who is deemed as overly sexual, manipulating, and promiscuous, The dichotomy of MWC creates a rigidity that limits women’s sexual expression, agency, and freedom by defining their sexuality into one of two categories,” writes Brooke Brownlee, APCC.
“Gaslighting is a common psychological trick that removes accountability and stifles discourse by laying blame on the victim or convincing them that there is no problem to begin with” (Fem Magazine, Feminism 101: What is Gaslighting?, 2016)
Hitomi Mochizuki is a content creator who uses her platform as a safe space for healing, wholesome energy, meditation, and yummy vegan recipes. Her YouTube channel, which has over 1 million subscribers, is a snippet of her life and the sacred energy she yearns to bring to all things. Where you can find vlogs, deep dives into emotional intelligence, the occasional sustainable fashion video, and pretty much just raw truth.
Carl Jung defined the shadow as the hidden, repressed, and guilt-laden parts of the personality that can contain both good and bad qualities. Jung believed that the shadow is a light metaphor for the unconscious and that it includes everything outside the light of consciousness.
“Dom” is short for “dominant,” aka the one that leads. “Sub” is short for “submissive,” the one consensually following Dom’s lead in erotic power exchange. However, while this dom/sub dynamics is usually limited to sexual role play in the bedroom, it is not exclusively and is often the unspoken power dynamics at play in male-female heterosexual relationships.